Creating a Less Defensive Atmosphere: Ground Rules for Reducing Needless Arguments.
The cycle of conflict escalation usually begins when one person feels defensive. Much needless conflict can be avoided by a careful choice of words. Put quite simply, if you want your message received, you have to pay attention to how you send it. Building a nondefensive atmosphere means that each person's ego is left intact enough to be able to hear what the other has to say. As much as you may want to hurt, put down, or criticize your partner, realize that what you are really hurting are your chances of getting what you want. Much pointless conflict can be prevented by careful language and avoiding the guaranteed "button pushers."
Lois Gold, Between Love and Hate, pp. 154-155
Criticism
Criticism may start out as an act of love for many well-intentioned reasons, but like a lion cub, so cute in the beginning, it eventually becomes deadly. We have all done it; we have all felt to our core that we were trying to help our partner...But when we criticize, we slip into potential quicksand. Although not meant to hurt our partner in the beginning, even gently delivered criticism, after a time and with repetition, hurts and causes the recipient to become resentful. The recipient criticizes back in self-defense and a habitual destructive pattern develops.
Judge Michele Lowrance, The Good Karma Divorce (2010)
Read these books to find out more about how to prepare for divorce -to make the process to easier and to learn how to identify and improve on the patterns and habits that got you here. This will make your children happier and improve your lives. You will be assisted in this endeavor by working with experienced divorce coaches.
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